Disbelief

I am.  In disbelief.  My cousin died on Tuesday.  My first cousin.  My oldest first cousin. Unexpectedly.  I found out Tuesday morning right before some various appointments.  I cancelled, obviously.  I had a final the next day, so immediately following my pang of sadness I went to study.  And I studied all day.  Wednesday, I took my final and then drove nearly eight hours to be with my family.  I would have driven off the map to be with them, but my point is...I didn't have time to think about what had just happened...and honestly I wouldn't let myself go there.

I'm not writing this for anyone else but myself.  I haven't had words and I still really don't have words.  What do you say?  What can you say?

I know I'll never forget him.  He was a constant reminder today on my drive home.  You see, he was a farmer...and I was in the Mississippi Delta.  With every John Deere tractor that passed me today I could see his suntanned skin...it was the color of a Cherokee Indian...from hours out in the sun...bright red cheeks and neck.  I know I will always think of him when I enter the flat lands of the Delta, where the sky hits the ground, and you cruise by the perfect rows of crops on either side of Highway 7.  I could see him out there today.

As soon as I heard the news I needed to be with my family.  There is no place else I wanted to be.  My family is fiercely close.  The bond is undeniable.  I had to be there.  Some of us are obviously more emotional than others, some are move love-y than others...but these last few days?  We hugged tighter, lingered longer, and loved deeper.  He was there and I could feel him.

He was always there.  On Saturday mornings when we would come for a random visit...he would stop by.  Holidays.  Always.  If he had walked in on any given night in the past few days...I wouldn't have been surprised at all.  Not in the least.  He is the one we would have leaned on.  Believe that this happened?  I can't.

I will always remember his dimpled chin.  His funny walk sometimes...with one leg partially locked.  The way he would duck his head when he walked in Mimi's backdoor.  His servant spirit, generosity, and humble heart.  I will NEVER forget the sound of his roaring laugh when something was really funny or the way he would cut his eyes when something was really awkward.  I can remember getting a running start into his arms when I was just a little girl.  All of our memories will keep us going.  Stories told this weekend will always make me laugh.  Stories told by his daddy and wife...the kind specifically about you and him...where the story teller isn't crying so you can't either.  The kind that you remember too, that you will never forget, but the kind that you didn't know meant something to him too.  Those stories that made you sob later on when no one could see you.

I'm not mad or confused right now.  I haven't even asked, "Why?".  Believe me, I could.  This situation could bring about all of those emotions...plus so many more.  Right now I'm just numb.  I'm still just in disbelief.  I witnessed the funeral, yet it is still unfathomable to me.

He was Chad.  My Chad.  Our Chad.

To say "was" and "Chad" in the same sentence is unimaginable.  But it happened.  And I'm sitting here still stunned.

Truly in disbelief but feeling so much love.

Overload

Prepare yourself.  I've been gone for a while and a lot has been going on.  We are halfway done with finals...only two left and I wish I could describe to you how happy I will be to be done with them...and the semester in general because it has just been dragging on.

So since you last heard from me I went home for Easter, boyfriend came for visit #2, we celebrated the Royal wedding, and have just been having a lot of fun.

Easter weekend I sped out of the Big City to get back home.  Boyfriend came for the weekend.  We hadn't seen each other in about three weeks and I hadn't seen my family in about six or seven...so I was READY to get there.  Friday night was just perfect.  The weather was great (anything would be better than what it has been like in the Big City lately) so my parents fired up the grill.  We sat outside the whole night- cooking, eating, and visiting.  I mentioned before that I hadn't been home in like six weeks...and our dinner that night was catered to the boyfriend...naturally, that's just how Boosin is...I'm not bitter or anything.  Saturday we just ran errands and visited with everyone.  My sweet boyfriend had a special night planned for us.  He took me on a surprise date that he planned on his own.  We got all dressed up and looking good for our night out on the town.  When we got in the car I was presented with a small box...wrapped so perfectly.  I was shocked and just kept saying, "What IS this?!".  I opened it up and inside was the prettiest bracelet.  I was like...this is EASTER...you don't give gifts like this on Easter.  He didn't care...he said that he loves the way I look when I'm surprised...so that's why he did it.  I've worn it every day since.  We had a FABULOUS meal at Folks Folly.  We ate SO MUCH and just had the best time talking.  Sunday morning the Easter bunny came...so did the boyfriend bunny.  I came back to the Big City with a small candy store...and other goodies.  So loved I tell you.

 The pearl beauty there.  He did so good.  And no help this time... :)

The weekend after Easter, Boyfriend returned to the Big City.  We have never seen each other on back to back weekends.  So exciting.  We did a whole lot of nothing that weekend...and it was perfect.  Just a lot of together time.  We did go downtown to look at the river and see the Arch.  Lazy was exactly what I needed before finals week.

That red thing down there is a stop sign.  The road running along side the river is completely under. 

That same Friday we hosted a Royal Wedding party.  Of course we got up at 3:30 to watch.  I think we would have slept longer but OUR TEACHER showed up.  We invited her the day before (she's in her 30's and we love her) but never imagined she would really come...especially not at 3:30 in the morning.  But she did.  So we had a palate party in our living room and watched as guests arrived and she walked down the aisle.  The thing I was thinking about the most that day was Kate's dad.  I remember joking as a child with my parents that I would one day marry a prince...really THE prince...like Wills or Harry.  Kate Middelton ACTUALLY did that.  Like her dad walked her down the aisle to an actual....living, breathing...prince.  Like she will be a Queen.

Huge mimosas at 4:30 AM...totally. 

Weaklings.  Couldn't hang.  Asleep during the ceremony. 

Wednesday night I went to a book signing.  I've never been to a signing before but I had to go to this one.  I've been following Matt Logelin for quite a while now.  His blog is great but his story is tragic.  His wife died after giving birth to their child.  He starting blogging about his grief and to keep a running record of his precious daughter.  In his grief he created a widow/widower foundation for others and their loss.  His mission now is for his daughter to know her mother.  He travels with her to places that he visited with his wife...so that she can experience things her mother experienced.  His book came out in April and its about his loss and learning to cope.  He is just so real and writes how he feels.  You just hang on every word.  "Two Kisses for Maddy"...do yourself a favor and read it. 

He's right, but he wrote that because I told him that she surprised me by pre-ordering it.

And then just having fun and celebrating being half way done with finals.

 Yesterday.  Three deep in my bed after our second final of the week.  Just finished a nap, pigging out on candy, and watching Sex and the City.  Doesn't get much better than that.

 Gorgeous Berns.  I want your eyes.

A little Walter Anderson birthday action.  I brought it back at Easter.  Hung it today, by myself.  Used a tape measure and everything.  Boom, Boosin. 

So there.  A major catch up.  Lots of fun trips coming up.  MyH(e)art's bachelorette party, her wedding, a visit to G-Town...just to name a few.  

Hopefully I'll be better about posting.

This time last year.

I'm getting nostalgic.  April is probably my favorite month in Oxford.  The weather is amazing and it's time for spring parties, Double Decker, sipping a beer on one of the many balconies on the Square, laying out, cute dresses, very little studying, etc.

Last night I was chatting with a couple of girls that will be graduating in a few short weeks.  I was telling them how sad I was when my time was drawing near last year.  How I consciously walked slowly wherever I needed to be in hopes that I could stretch my time out.  How scared I was in those final days in Oxford.  How depressed I was to be leaving my friends.  How excited I was about the future...but nervous about what the future would hold.  But the main thing (which should come as no surprise) was just HOW MUCH I loved my school.  I told them to do like I did.  I told them to make a Bucket List and do all the things they wanted to but just hadn't gotten around to doing...while they still could.

All of that got me thinking about what I was doing this time last year.  In the weeks leading up to May 8th.

 I indulged. 

 Attended every  a lot of Spring Parties

 Took my Derby Day participation to the extreme

 Had dinner for the last time with nearly 94 of my closest friends  sisters

 Hosted my first wedding shower

 Danced more than one night a week in the Boom Boom room like a freshman

 Ate a ton of crawfish and never turned down a party.  

 Took a dip in the Phi Mu fountain

 Celebrated another engagement...they got married the beginning of this month!

Other events cannot be documented on the blog but rest assured I sucked the marrow out of my time there.  And then May 8th came.  Graduation Day.  Mimosas that morning with friends...sitting on the edge of my former bed in the Deeg.  Pictures with friends before our march into adulthood.  Then it was time.

We lined up.  The cool grass in the Grove brushed my toes as we walked to our seats.  I stopped breathing, blocked out all of the sounds around me, and stared fiercely into the mortar board on the head in front of me.  I knew if I didn't I would end up sobbing for the rest of the day.  The part in the Grove went quickly.  I have no clue what profound wisdom was bestowed on me that day.  We ran to my school graduation.  Some kilted men with drums and bagpipes helped us to file in.  That part went faster.  They called my name.  I walked across the stage.  It was over.

I didn't fear May 8th.  I feared the 9th.  The 9th meant that I was officially out in the real world.  It meant I was one day closer to moving to the Big City.  A day closer to meeting the roomie, finding a place to live, leaving home...for real, and becoming a big girl.  I was officially out of my little comfort zone.  Exposed.  Wide open.

As much as I hated to leave.  As scary as it was to move most days.  I did it.  All the uncertainties went away within the first month of living here.  This was the right thing to do.  But with that said, would I love to go back and enjoy it all again for old time sake?  You better believe it.  I've said it a hundred times before but it really is strange how much your life can change in a year.

It's weird to think

This is what doing

This time last year.

Why yes, I'm going there...

I know I've graduated and moved on from my days at Ole Miss but I have to say...

Today was my favorite day of the year in Oxford.  A holiday if you will.

Sigma Chi Derby Day. 

A time honored tradition for the Alpha Psi Delta Gamma's.  Why?  Because we always win.  We do. 

Derby Day week is the best of your life.  It's the time when pledge classes go away and you are all just working together.  The time where you all really get to know each other while working towards a common goal. 

This year DG took the title home again.  A 3peat they're calling it.  2009, 2010, 2011.  My little Indians dominated and I'm so proud.

I was sad this week not being there.  Sounds crazy, I know.  But it becomes ingrained in you.  That feeling of competition and sisterhood all wrapped up in one.  MyH(e)art knows how I feel.  We were both "in the loop" this week with random people calling us to tell us different events they had won.  Just to hear their excitement made me feel like I was there...and part of it

Watch my girls as they take it away.

Yeah, so what...I went there. 

Weekend

Well he came.  "He" as in... Mystery Man.  In a few moments, his identity will be revealed on the blog...for the first time.  I hope he is ready for the fame that such a debut will bring to his life...since, you know, so many people read this.

So presenting to you, for the first time....

Boyfriend.

Yep, you read that right.  We had a great weekend together.  He got to see the Big City and really learned how I tick.

He got in close to dinner on Friday night.  I cooked.  Never cooked for a boy before.  We had chicken spaghetti, salad, and chocolate-chocolate chip pound cake. He actually ate it and said it was good.  After dinner we changed and danced in the living room...got in some good dance practice for all of the weddings we have coming up...there's no way we will disappoint.  My smile during that time was undeniable and could not be wiped from my face. That night he got to meet almost all of the Big City friends.  We headed downtown to the piano bar.  Someone wore his cowboy boots and it was just the right flavor that needed to be brought to the Big City...but we did get a chuckle out of it.

 Berns' brother came to town for the first time!  We loved him!  I also became an adopted sibling.  Our hair is pretty close in color....well at least now it is.

 Roomie suggested the picture be taken this way.  Possibly the most awkward photo of my life.  We celebrated her 23rd on Tuesday.  Another post...that you won't want to miss. 

 They became biffles and no telling why their eyes were so squinty... 

The next day he got a quick tour of the city.  Saw my school and some of my favorite places.  Then we headed to the Loop.  Easily one of my favorite places in the Big City.  We walked around and then went to Pi for lunch.  Again...easily my favorite if not MY FAVORITE place to eat in the Big City...undoubtedly my favorite location.  We pleased someone's limited palate and then headed to the zoo to meet up with Berns, her brother, and A. White Marfechuck (Yes, that is spelled correctly, no, it isn't a species at the zoo, and no, she hasn't made her debut on the blog).  We had a great time with the rest of the state...literally everyone and their mother went that day.

 Got to see my favorite animal.  The giraffe.  Obviously.  No, he wasn't trapped up in there the whole time...we were actually there near closing time so he was getting in his bedroom I guess.  Neat because that's the closest I've ever been to one but freaky at the same time.  The zoo kind of creeps me out in general.

Then this guy was some hybrid animal.  Looks very zebra-esque in the hind-parts. Second to the giant anteater that lives at the Big City Zoo, this was the ugliest animal I've ever seen.

 Maybe it was the walking around, possibly all the fresh air, could have been the sun beating down all day (but in no way was it my sinus infection and double ear infection) but after the zoo?  We were EXHAUSTED.  I had been planning a fun date night for that Saturday...and come hell or high water we.were.going.to.do.it.  By the time we got ready to go it was getting closer to 8.  After a quick me getting lost detour we ended up at our location.  Immediately ordered a beer sampler.  It was great but we were too hungry to think.  Like ravenous.  We ate some time after nine...we all know that was way past my feeding time...especially after not having a snack time all day...but really.  After that we were headed to have martinis.  I told him the plan and he asked if I would mind if we skipped that part.  BEST THING I HAD HEARD ALL DAY!  Instead we rented a movie and I was asleep in 2.5 seconds...after it started. 

He had to head back Sunday.  It was a really sad day for me but we had a great time the entire weekend. It meant a lot to me that he would work so hard to get to come...this is tax season, after all.  We laughed so much.  Had him expand his horizons by eating hummus and refried beans.  That still makes me laugh.

Ready for visit number 2! 

Sancee

I'm honestly surprised I've never written about Sancee before.  My aunt.  Really, more like my grandmother.  See, my daddy was a "surprise" (although he claims he was the only baby my grandparents really wanted...that's neither here nor there) so Sancee was twelve years older than my daddy.  My daddy was also older when he had me, so my grandmother was close to her 80's (if not in her 80's) when I was born.  So Sancee kind of adopted me and The Poodle as her own...to take us to different activities, watch ballet performances, attend soccer games, keep us on weekends, etc.

We were close.  She died when I was ten.  Nearly thirteen years ago.  Gone for more than half of my life.  It's hard to imagine.

I can vividly remember our time together.  Almost like a movie playing in my mind.  Different snapshots in time but I can hear her voice and remember exactly what she said.

She was diagnosed with cancer right after I turned ten.  I can remember going to the hospital after the initial diagnosis and I will never forget what she looked like.  She was so sick.  I had never, and still to this day, never seen anyone look the way she did.  I couldn't even look at her.

She ended up spending the summer (during the week) with my family so she could get her chemotherapy treatments.  She would go home on the weekends because she was so sick (from the treatment) and didn't want to scare me or my sister.  Initially I can remember resenting her for being there because my room...became her room.  In the end, that was one of the best summers of my life.  I think for her, just being with us was the greatest therapy.  That summer was our last with her.  But I walked away with some incredible memories.

After the summer, we watched her body just deteriorate.  By Thanksgiving she could hardly walk and was the sickest I had ever seen someone.  I sat in her room with her.  I know she was in so much pain.  She sat and tried to wear her wig (which she hated because it itched her head) but finally took it off and wore a red cap.  I can just remember streams of tears just running down her face as she sat and looked at me.  I think she knew that her time on Earth was coming to an end.  And it was.  Because that was the last time I ever saw her.

She died in December. Two days before Christmas.  She had been in the hospital and we were going to see her on our way to family Christmas. I spent the night at a friend's house the night before we left.  I remember crying and Lauren praying over me that night before we went to sleep.  I think part of me knew she was gone but no one had actually told me.  I ran home the next morning.  My dad was sitting on the edge of his bed...drying his hair.  He wouldn't look at me.  I knew.  I wanted him to tell me.  I started asking- When are we going to the hospital?  How long will we stay?  How is she doing?  Asking the questions that my fifth grade mind could formulate...almost screaming within...I needed him to speak.  I'll never forget him slowly turning off the hair dyer, putting it down on his thigh, and turning to look at me to say- she died last night.  He said, "We aren't going to the hospital anymore".  That's all he said.  She was gone.

It comes in waves.  You know, the times when I really miss her.  The moments when I just want to pick up the phone and call her and tell her what's going on.  She's missed almost thirteen years.  The years where you get your heartbroken, you start to drive, graduations, true loves, the up's and down's...she missed a lot. I've missed her a lot in the past year.  Maybe it's because I graduated from college, or moved, or have new people in my life, or...I don't really know.  But I do.  I miss her a lot.

When I was in college I would find myself driving to her old house a lot of times.  It took a lot for me to drive down that road but I finally did it.  I would sit in this parking lot next to her house and talk.  Just talk to her.  And I would get mad and some times really sad and some times I would just talk.  Just tell her what was going on.  Sometimes I wish I could do that here.


I know this post was a lot about her death.  I obviously remember a lot more than that.  Tina Turner, James Dean, pickle seeds, car rides, snuggle time, iced tea, great stories, and so much more.  She was an amazing lady.  So full of life.  So strong.

I miss her.

New Love

I realized as soon as I typed the title that I've used the word "love" a lot lately here on the blog.  Maybe it's because I am.  This weekend I fell madly in love with a bald man.  Many of you have seen him before.  He lines the aisles at your local supermarket.  That man?

Yeah, you guessed it. Mr. Clean.  I love him for his Magic Eraser.  You think I'm kidding.  I bought one yesterday because I've been seeing so many commercials for them.  I thought, what the heck?  I'll try one.  How great could they be?  Let me answer that: they are amazing...possibly even magic....if you'll allow me to go there.

I started with my bathroom last night.  Two magic erasers later.  My bathroom was pristine. I know you use them over and over...but it was that bad.  I had no clue.  I went back the store today and got four more.  All the cleaning put me in an OCD mood, where I proceeded to clean the entire apartment.  Kitchen.  Bam.  Spotless.  Vacuuming.  I even went as far as to move the furniture to vacuum under it.  That hasn't happened since October in quite a while.  Dusting.  Washing.  Cleaning the baseboards.  Who am I?  Not sure but I feel great.  And my little humble home?  Looks great.

I can tell you that it had absolutely everything nothing to do with the fact that Mystery Man (MM) will be here on Friday.

No it needed to be done.

A good Spring cleaning, if you will.

Thank-you Mr. Clean. You made it easy.

Marry me?