Disbelief

I am.  In disbelief.  My cousin died on Tuesday.  My first cousin.  My oldest first cousin. Unexpectedly.  I found out Tuesday morning right before some various appointments.  I cancelled, obviously.  I had a final the next day, so immediately following my pang of sadness I went to study.  And I studied all day.  Wednesday, I took my final and then drove nearly eight hours to be with my family.  I would have driven off the map to be with them, but my point is...I didn't have time to think about what had just happened...and honestly I wouldn't let myself go there.

I'm not writing this for anyone else but myself.  I haven't had words and I still really don't have words.  What do you say?  What can you say?

I know I'll never forget him.  He was a constant reminder today on my drive home.  You see, he was a farmer...and I was in the Mississippi Delta.  With every John Deere tractor that passed me today I could see his suntanned skin...it was the color of a Cherokee Indian...from hours out in the sun...bright red cheeks and neck.  I know I will always think of him when I enter the flat lands of the Delta, where the sky hits the ground, and you cruise by the perfect rows of crops on either side of Highway 7.  I could see him out there today.

As soon as I heard the news I needed to be with my family.  There is no place else I wanted to be.  My family is fiercely close.  The bond is undeniable.  I had to be there.  Some of us are obviously more emotional than others, some are move love-y than others...but these last few days?  We hugged tighter, lingered longer, and loved deeper.  He was there and I could feel him.

He was always there.  On Saturday mornings when we would come for a random visit...he would stop by.  Holidays.  Always.  If he had walked in on any given night in the past few days...I wouldn't have been surprised at all.  Not in the least.  He is the one we would have leaned on.  Believe that this happened?  I can't.

I will always remember his dimpled chin.  His funny walk sometimes...with one leg partially locked.  The way he would duck his head when he walked in Mimi's backdoor.  His servant spirit, generosity, and humble heart.  I will NEVER forget the sound of his roaring laugh when something was really funny or the way he would cut his eyes when something was really awkward.  I can remember getting a running start into his arms when I was just a little girl.  All of our memories will keep us going.  Stories told this weekend will always make me laugh.  Stories told by his daddy and wife...the kind specifically about you and him...where the story teller isn't crying so you can't either.  The kind that you remember too, that you will never forget, but the kind that you didn't know meant something to him too.  Those stories that made you sob later on when no one could see you.

I'm not mad or confused right now.  I haven't even asked, "Why?".  Believe me, I could.  This situation could bring about all of those emotions...plus so many more.  Right now I'm just numb.  I'm still just in disbelief.  I witnessed the funeral, yet it is still unfathomable to me.

He was Chad.  My Chad.  Our Chad.

To say "was" and "Chad" in the same sentence is unimaginable.  But it happened.  And I'm sitting here still stunned.

Truly in disbelief but feeling so much love.

Overload

Prepare yourself.  I've been gone for a while and a lot has been going on.  We are halfway done with finals...only two left and I wish I could describe to you how happy I will be to be done with them...and the semester in general because it has just been dragging on.

So since you last heard from me I went home for Easter, boyfriend came for visit #2, we celebrated the Royal wedding, and have just been having a lot of fun.

Easter weekend I sped out of the Big City to get back home.  Boyfriend came for the weekend.  We hadn't seen each other in about three weeks and I hadn't seen my family in about six or seven...so I was READY to get there.  Friday night was just perfect.  The weather was great (anything would be better than what it has been like in the Big City lately) so my parents fired up the grill.  We sat outside the whole night- cooking, eating, and visiting.  I mentioned before that I hadn't been home in like six weeks...and our dinner that night was catered to the boyfriend...naturally, that's just how Boosin is...I'm not bitter or anything.  Saturday we just ran errands and visited with everyone.  My sweet boyfriend had a special night planned for us.  He took me on a surprise date that he planned on his own.  We got all dressed up and looking good for our night out on the town.  When we got in the car I was presented with a small box...wrapped so perfectly.  I was shocked and just kept saying, "What IS this?!".  I opened it up and inside was the prettiest bracelet.  I was like...this is EASTER...you don't give gifts like this on Easter.  He didn't care...he said that he loves the way I look when I'm surprised...so that's why he did it.  I've worn it every day since.  We had a FABULOUS meal at Folks Folly.  We ate SO MUCH and just had the best time talking.  Sunday morning the Easter bunny came...so did the boyfriend bunny.  I came back to the Big City with a small candy store...and other goodies.  So loved I tell you.

 The pearl beauty there.  He did so good.  And no help this time... :)

The weekend after Easter, Boyfriend returned to the Big City.  We have never seen each other on back to back weekends.  So exciting.  We did a whole lot of nothing that weekend...and it was perfect.  Just a lot of together time.  We did go downtown to look at the river and see the Arch.  Lazy was exactly what I needed before finals week.

That red thing down there is a stop sign.  The road running along side the river is completely under. 

That same Friday we hosted a Royal Wedding party.  Of course we got up at 3:30 to watch.  I think we would have slept longer but OUR TEACHER showed up.  We invited her the day before (she's in her 30's and we love her) but never imagined she would really come...especially not at 3:30 in the morning.  But she did.  So we had a palate party in our living room and watched as guests arrived and she walked down the aisle.  The thing I was thinking about the most that day was Kate's dad.  I remember joking as a child with my parents that I would one day marry a prince...really THE prince...like Wills or Harry.  Kate Middelton ACTUALLY did that.  Like her dad walked her down the aisle to an actual....living, breathing...prince.  Like she will be a Queen.

Huge mimosas at 4:30 AM...totally. 

Weaklings.  Couldn't hang.  Asleep during the ceremony. 

Wednesday night I went to a book signing.  I've never been to a signing before but I had to go to this one.  I've been following Matt Logelin for quite a while now.  His blog is great but his story is tragic.  His wife died after giving birth to their child.  He starting blogging about his grief and to keep a running record of his precious daughter.  In his grief he created a widow/widower foundation for others and their loss.  His mission now is for his daughter to know her mother.  He travels with her to places that he visited with his wife...so that she can experience things her mother experienced.  His book came out in April and its about his loss and learning to cope.  He is just so real and writes how he feels.  You just hang on every word.  "Two Kisses for Maddy"...do yourself a favor and read it. 

He's right, but he wrote that because I told him that she surprised me by pre-ordering it.

And then just having fun and celebrating being half way done with finals.

 Yesterday.  Three deep in my bed after our second final of the week.  Just finished a nap, pigging out on candy, and watching Sex and the City.  Doesn't get much better than that.

 Gorgeous Berns.  I want your eyes.

A little Walter Anderson birthday action.  I brought it back at Easter.  Hung it today, by myself.  Used a tape measure and everything.  Boom, Boosin. 

So there.  A major catch up.  Lots of fun trips coming up.  MyH(e)art's bachelorette party, her wedding, a visit to G-Town...just to name a few.  

Hopefully I'll be better about posting.