Disbelief

I am.  In disbelief.  My cousin died on Tuesday.  My first cousin.  My oldest first cousin. Unexpectedly.  I found out Tuesday morning right before some various appointments.  I cancelled, obviously.  I had a final the next day, so immediately following my pang of sadness I went to study.  And I studied all day.  Wednesday, I took my final and then drove nearly eight hours to be with my family.  I would have driven off the map to be with them, but my point is...I didn't have time to think about what had just happened...and honestly I wouldn't let myself go there.

I'm not writing this for anyone else but myself.  I haven't had words and I still really don't have words.  What do you say?  What can you say?

I know I'll never forget him.  He was a constant reminder today on my drive home.  You see, he was a farmer...and I was in the Mississippi Delta.  With every John Deere tractor that passed me today I could see his suntanned skin...it was the color of a Cherokee Indian...from hours out in the sun...bright red cheeks and neck.  I know I will always think of him when I enter the flat lands of the Delta, where the sky hits the ground, and you cruise by the perfect rows of crops on either side of Highway 7.  I could see him out there today.

As soon as I heard the news I needed to be with my family.  There is no place else I wanted to be.  My family is fiercely close.  The bond is undeniable.  I had to be there.  Some of us are obviously more emotional than others, some are move love-y than others...but these last few days?  We hugged tighter, lingered longer, and loved deeper.  He was there and I could feel him.

He was always there.  On Saturday mornings when we would come for a random visit...he would stop by.  Holidays.  Always.  If he had walked in on any given night in the past few days...I wouldn't have been surprised at all.  Not in the least.  He is the one we would have leaned on.  Believe that this happened?  I can't.

I will always remember his dimpled chin.  His funny walk sometimes...with one leg partially locked.  The way he would duck his head when he walked in Mimi's backdoor.  His servant spirit, generosity, and humble heart.  I will NEVER forget the sound of his roaring laugh when something was really funny or the way he would cut his eyes when something was really awkward.  I can remember getting a running start into his arms when I was just a little girl.  All of our memories will keep us going.  Stories told this weekend will always make me laugh.  Stories told by his daddy and wife...the kind specifically about you and him...where the story teller isn't crying so you can't either.  The kind that you remember too, that you will never forget, but the kind that you didn't know meant something to him too.  Those stories that made you sob later on when no one could see you.

I'm not mad or confused right now.  I haven't even asked, "Why?".  Believe me, I could.  This situation could bring about all of those emotions...plus so many more.  Right now I'm just numb.  I'm still just in disbelief.  I witnessed the funeral, yet it is still unfathomable to me.

He was Chad.  My Chad.  Our Chad.

To say "was" and "Chad" in the same sentence is unimaginable.  But it happened.  And I'm sitting here still stunned.

Truly in disbelief but feeling so much love.