Sancee

I'm honestly surprised I've never written about Sancee before.  My aunt.  Really, more like my grandmother.  See, my daddy was a "surprise" (although he claims he was the only baby my grandparents really wanted...that's neither here nor there) so Sancee was twelve years older than my daddy.  My daddy was also older when he had me, so my grandmother was close to her 80's (if not in her 80's) when I was born.  So Sancee kind of adopted me and The Poodle as her own...to take us to different activities, watch ballet performances, attend soccer games, keep us on weekends, etc.

We were close.  She died when I was ten.  Nearly thirteen years ago.  Gone for more than half of my life.  It's hard to imagine.

I can vividly remember our time together.  Almost like a movie playing in my mind.  Different snapshots in time but I can hear her voice and remember exactly what she said.

She was diagnosed with cancer right after I turned ten.  I can remember going to the hospital after the initial diagnosis and I will never forget what she looked like.  She was so sick.  I had never, and still to this day, never seen anyone look the way she did.  I couldn't even look at her.

She ended up spending the summer (during the week) with my family so she could get her chemotherapy treatments.  She would go home on the weekends because she was so sick (from the treatment) and didn't want to scare me or my sister.  Initially I can remember resenting her for being there because my room...became her room.  In the end, that was one of the best summers of my life.  I think for her, just being with us was the greatest therapy.  That summer was our last with her.  But I walked away with some incredible memories.

After the summer, we watched her body just deteriorate.  By Thanksgiving she could hardly walk and was the sickest I had ever seen someone.  I sat in her room with her.  I know she was in so much pain.  She sat and tried to wear her wig (which she hated because it itched her head) but finally took it off and wore a red cap.  I can just remember streams of tears just running down her face as she sat and looked at me.  I think she knew that her time on Earth was coming to an end.  And it was.  Because that was the last time I ever saw her.

She died in December. Two days before Christmas.  She had been in the hospital and we were going to see her on our way to family Christmas. I spent the night at a friend's house the night before we left.  I remember crying and Lauren praying over me that night before we went to sleep.  I think part of me knew she was gone but no one had actually told me.  I ran home the next morning.  My dad was sitting on the edge of his bed...drying his hair.  He wouldn't look at me.  I knew.  I wanted him to tell me.  I started asking- When are we going to the hospital?  How long will we stay?  How is she doing?  Asking the questions that my fifth grade mind could formulate...almost screaming within...I needed him to speak.  I'll never forget him slowly turning off the hair dyer, putting it down on his thigh, and turning to look at me to say- she died last night.  He said, "We aren't going to the hospital anymore".  That's all he said.  She was gone.

It comes in waves.  You know, the times when I really miss her.  The moments when I just want to pick up the phone and call her and tell her what's going on.  She's missed almost thirteen years.  The years where you get your heartbroken, you start to drive, graduations, true loves, the up's and down's...she missed a lot. I've missed her a lot in the past year.  Maybe it's because I graduated from college, or moved, or have new people in my life, or...I don't really know.  But I do.  I miss her a lot.

When I was in college I would find myself driving to her old house a lot of times.  It took a lot for me to drive down that road but I finally did it.  I would sit in this parking lot next to her house and talk.  Just talk to her.  And I would get mad and some times really sad and some times I would just talk.  Just tell her what was going on.  Sometimes I wish I could do that here.


I know this post was a lot about her death.  I obviously remember a lot more than that.  Tina Turner, James Dean, pickle seeds, car rides, snuggle time, iced tea, great stories, and so much more.  She was an amazing lady.  So full of life.  So strong.

I miss her.